Your Weekly Dose of Clarity

The term "gaslighting" comes from a 1944 film where a man manipulates his wife into questioning her own sanity. Today, it describes a common tactic: a person trying to make you doubt your own perception of reality. 

A classic example is when someone says, "That’s not what I said," or "That’s not what happened," even when you have proof. They might dismiss it by saying, "I was just kidding," or "You’re too sensitive." This insidious manipulation can leave you feeling insecure, lower your self-confidence, and create deep anxiety—an experience that many seek to address through anxiety and depression therapy. 

But your mental standard is a powerful defense. 

Your mental standard is a direct reflection of the solidity of your values and beliefs. When you’re grounded in this internal compass, you can’t be swayed by the doubts and manipulation that gaslighting creates. Just as a scientist needs a consistent standard for every measurement, your emotional well-being needs an anchor that doesn’t move. Trauma focused therapy can help reinforce this anchor. 

For me, that anchor is my Christian faith, a truth that exists outside of myself. It allows me to stand firm in my values and experiences so they aren’t easily shaken by the words of others. 

Think of it like a dollar bill. We all know what a real one looks like, and no one could ever convince you that a Monopoly dollar is the genuine article. Why? Because you have a clear standard. When you lose that standard, you lose your peace. 

Stay secure in what you know and who you are. Find your standard, and you will find your peace.

It feels like I have entered The Twilight Zone. The things I was taught to value—truth, diversity, tolerance, human life, freedom, responsibility, the beauty in the blend that makes us American, and the love and compassion that make me Christian—seem to be fading. I don’t think that I am alone. I think there are plenty of us feeling out of place in a world that keeps aggressively pressuring people to choose sides. It is as if our nation has developed borderline personality disorder. "I am right, if you don’t agree with me, you’re wrong." "I need you but I hate you." "It’s this or it’s that."  

I refuse to live like that.  

It is small-minded to reduce the dynamics of life into simple dichotomies: black–white; up–down; good–bad; left–right. Humans by nature are complex; our capacities are limitless. It is inappropriate to reduce life experiences, feelings, and thoughts into such rigid, restrictive explications. More importantly, it places you on the path of mental unwellness. How, you ask? Because seeing only two sides inherently creates isolation. Isolation breeds narrow-mindedness, fear, and hate. If there is disagreement, you are bad, I am good; you are wrong, I am right. This ideology does not breed self-assessment, which is essential in overcoming anxiety and depression. Without self-assessment, there is no growth. Without growth, there is death. So, refuse this thought process and refuse to be placed in a box that pales in explaining who you are, what you believe, and what you are capable of.  

When we are physically sick, we often look pale. Mental health is no different. An unhealthy mind sees a situation as “this alone,” or absolutism. Having good mental health requires having the ability to “see” shades, depth, breadth, and nuance. Engaging in trauma focused therapy can help us navigate these complexities. Also, when we learn to accept the complexity of life and living, we gain the ability to feel, be heard, and be accepted—not for simply agreeing with the loudest voice, but accepted for the complete, wonderful, real creation you are. When we are allowed to be in full color, we are on our way to living a full, healthy life.

"You can't be your best if you don't eat a good breakfast." This simple, memorable jingle from Kellogg's in the late '80s and early '90s highlighted a fundamental truth: food fuels your physical body, allowing it to operate as designed. But here's something just as crucial, especially for those struggling with anxiety and depression: this principle applies just as powerfully to your mental health. Think about it: when you're hungry or running on poor nutrition, it becomes challenging to manage your emotions, concentrate, or make clear decisions. We would never dream of putting water, diluted gas, or alcohol into the fuel tank of our vehicles and expect them to run properly. Yet, we often unwittingly do that to our bodies and our brains, our physical and mental "engines." Good nutrition is foundational to good mental health. Just as poor nutrition can lead to physical health issues, it can significantly contribute to struggles with anxiety and depression, making anxiety and depression therapy even more challenging. The first essential step in treating yourself well — truly caring for your mind and body — is to feed yourself well. This means consciously choosing foods that genuinely fuel both your physical body and your mind throughout the day, providing stable energy and nutrients needed for emotional regulation and cognitive function. In some cases, integrating trauma focused therapy alongside proper nutrition can enhance overall mental well-being.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." Most of us have heard this expression. Its positive connotation encourages us to ignore those who say mean things—a good concept, but not easily done. In fact, I've spoken to many victims of physical abuse who have shared a jarring truth: "I'd rather be hit, because those wounds will heal a lot faster." 

While that expression might serve as a useful tool for children, as we grow older, we recognize the visceral impact that negative words, criticism, and contempt can create. Words can leave behind division, pain, self-doubt, and rejection. They can create mental wounds that take far longer to heal than any physical injury, often leading to issues such as anxiety and depression. 

The Heart's Overflow

There's an old scripture that says, "out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." This suggests a direct, powerful link between our inner world and the words we choose to use. When we prioritize good mental health through practices like trauma-focused therapy, we are more likely to cultivate a "good heart"—one filled with kindness and compassion. Guarding our hearts from negativity helps us to speak life and positivity into others. 

This isn't just about what we say to others; it's profoundly about our own well-being. By nurturing our mental health and protecting ourselves from negativity, we are better equipped to be a force for good in the world. 

The Ripple Effect: Kindness vs. Contempt

Negativity spreads, but so can positivity. Remember the "pay it forward" trend? People performed random acts of kindness for strangers with no expectation of return. These small acts created a beautiful chain of compassion. When we pour kindness into the world, we create connection and acceptance, recognizing our shared human experience and remembering that we are not alone. 

On the other hand, when negativity spreads, it breeds distrust and isolation, severing the human connection. Isolation breeds anger and a tragic loss of empathy, perpetuating a destructive cycle. It's a stark contrast between building bridges and burning them. 

The choice is simple, yet profound. We can either contribute to a world of isolation and distrust, or we can choose to be a source of positivity. By being mindful of our words and tending to our own hearts, we become powerful agents for connection, empathy, and kindness. Let's choose wisely. Let's choose to spread positivity.

You’ve heard the saying, "Good fences make good neighbors." I’d argue that good boundaries make for a healthy you. They are a reflection of your values and an essential tool for protecting your mental well-being, particularly when it comes to managing anxiety and depression. Boundaries help you define what’s right for you and shield you from manipulation and codependence.

Your most crucial boundary is the one around your own feelings. It's the simple truth that you can be happy when your partner is sad. It is not your responsibility to manage other people's emotions. Nor are you to have the same emotions as your partner. That is called enmeshment and is not healthy or helpful. Empathy is when you are grounded and able to support someone from a place of strength, not be a mess with them. Healthy emotional regulation, which is often a focus in trauma focused therapy, comes from knowing where you end and another person begins. Trying to manage someone else’s emotions to help you feel better is an exhausting and futile effort that leaves you drained and sets you on the path to codependence.

Instead of trying to control other people’s feelings, use boundaries to empower yourself. Healthy boundaries make it clear how you deserve and want to be treated, giving you the strength to provide encouragement and clarity to know when to stand up for yourself or walk away.

Set your boundaries. Protect your peace.

In the news, we often hear a negative and inaccurate connection made between mental health issues and heinous crimes. This can make people dealing with common mental health struggles like anxiety, depression, and grief hesitant to seek help. They may fear being judged or believe their issues 'aren't that serious' and not worthy of professional support, even when anxiety and depression therapy could provide the relief they need.

I'd like to challenge that perspective. Mental health is just like physical health. We see doctors for routine check-ups and especially when we feel chest pain, trembling, or unusual fatigue. We don't wait for a catastrophic health scare. Why treat mental health any differently?

Anxiety can feel like physical pain in your chest, and depression and grief can cause extreme fatigue and an inability to concentrate. If you don't feel like yourself, you deserve to get help. Consider seeking a healthcare provider who can confirm the issue and provide relief, including options like trauma focused therapy.

Don't suffer in silence, thinking it's 'not that bad.' Be proactive. Get the help you need.

Mental health is overall health.

Newton’s First Law of Motion states that a body in motion stays in motion, and a body at rest stays at rest, unless an external force acts on it. This principle can be directly applied to your mental health. Our thoughts, perceptions, and feelings will continue on the same path without intentional effort. Anxiety and depression therapy can serve as the external force needed to guide your mind in a new direction. Change requires intention, effort, and sometimes, a little push. If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed by anxiety, or frustrated by old patterns, it might be time to consider trauma focused therapy. Remember, it's not the leap, but the first small step that is the hardest, most important, and most rewarding.